Here Comes The Sun

There are no words for how I have felt these past days.They have been filled with terror and sadness and with love and joy. The emotions began in the morning tuk-tuk ride when someone remarked on how they couldn't believe it was our last day. Right then it really hit me that we would never be able to see our newly loved family again. As we arrived at the orphanage, we hung out and just enjoyed each others company. The paper and coloring supplies were brought out and everyone made everyone else "I LOVE YOU" cards. For each one I made, I thought more and more about how much these children meant to me, how much I loved them and how much I would miss them, and how much leaving them was going to hurt; but their lit up faces when they got the note washed all those thoughts away and put me in the present. It really put it into perspective that we all plan in the future too much and that we need to live in the moment because you can't get that moment back, once it's gone, it's gone. 

Earlier that morning, they had set up the stage and gotten all their costumes ready to put on a performance for us. When the time came, we all sat front row , camera in hand. The first dance was a blessing for us, for when we leave back for America. Hearing those words, of course was saddening, but more so put a smile on my face. The second was a coconut dance and third was a Cambodian traditional dance. The fourth and final one was the hip hop dance. We had seen them practice and already seen the dance, but seeing the full on performance was really amazing. Just knowing that they don't have professional teachers or a professional stage or anything like that, shows you how skilled they really are. After their performance, they pulled us on the stage and had a big dance party. The very first song was "If Your Happy  and You Know It" and when it came on, and everyone was singing, I began to cry. Seeing all of them so happy and excited, dancing and singing right before we left just put me in tears. Prior to the performance, Srey Tok went over to Sohty and asked if I could be her sister. All I could do was melt, so when I started crying during the song, so did Srey Tok which had me crying more. Through the dancing and the singing I was able to pull myself together and put a smile on my face until it was time for us to leave. 

The very first goodbye was from Srey Mi, and it started right then. As she cried, I cried, and it all went down hill. Srey Tok would  not leave my side the whole time and held my hand, which made it even harder. We were in the girls' house and Heang came in, hugged me, and handed me a bracelet. There was pretty much no time when I wasnt crying.Then Srey Neat came into my arms and sobbed, her head laying on my shoulder. The mere sound of her heartbreak made my heart drop. I kissed her face and told her I loved her for the last time. I walked out of the house and Srey Heng hugged me tight and wiped the tears from my face. "No, don't cry, happy" and she smiled. She had me now crying and smiling as I walked down the hallway. I meant up with Nirot and there was no need for words. We just fell into each others arms full of tears. Nearing the end of our hug, I told him I loved him and he replied with "Ya". I just laughed, which was good for me, because it was so cute he couldn't say any more without breaking down. I hugged everyone else saying I loved them and I am going to miss them with all my heart. As we headed to the tuk-tuk, I got to Lavin. Our connection within the past few weeks was a bond I can never forget and hugging him goodbye was the hardest hug I had to give. At that point I don't think I've ever cried more in that short of a time. As we got in the tuk-tuk to drive away, people I never would have expected to cry, were full of tears. The sadness in Rath's eyes when I went to say goodbye just crushed me. Again the same thing happened with Ret, Huen, and Panet. Seeing the faces of people who are always happy and smiling covered in tears is one of the worst sights. As we drove away the children ran with us for what seemed like a life time. Clinging on to our hands, sobbing, and still running after us. The time came to let go and we drove off crying even harder. Since I loved them, I knew I had to let go. 

Goodbyes are so much harder then they seem, but one thing is for sure, there is still the "good" in goodbye. This goodbye meant the children had a better life, more love, and we were full of experiences and love as well. Thanks to the children, my new family, I'm leaving the orphanage with  memories worth a thousand words, and smiles to last a life time. 

 

Remembering Yesterday

Leaving the kids is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but just leaving Cambodia is going to be extremely tough. There are going to be so many things that I am going to miss dearly. On the tuk- tuk ride, there are so many sights that I see daily that won’t be on my normal everyday commute at home. There are revolving posters, a work out park, a golden dragon statue, construction sites, and one long brick wall. There’s something about each and every one of those land marks that I somehow manage to catch each ride or that have some kind of significance to me. It’s something about the whole ride that I’m going to miss so much. At the orphanage, besides the children, there are so many things I am going to miss that will not only break my heart but that will also be very hard to live without. Srey Neat kissing my face and giving me raspberries is something that I will always remember. Another thing I’m going to miss is the friendship and joking around with the guys at the orphanage. Although I have similar friendships with guys at home, there’s something different about it that makes it more special. Lastly, I’m going to miss the kids saying “See you tomorrow” everyday in Khmer and English and trying to get us to say it. Even if I haven’t become really close with some of the children, I am going to miss every one of them with all my heart. Also, the absence of the warm and humid weather, the food, and the smells are something that I’m going to wish was in America. I’m going to miss just being here. When the time comes and we have to leave, I may not be able to keep myself together, but the memories that have been made and the children’s smiles will certainly help me get through it.

The Best Prize is a Surprise

Each and every day here in Cambodia is filled with new surprises. The first surprise was very exciting for us and for the girls. That morning we had bought the four bunk beds to go in the house, and later that day we were able to set them up. As each one was assembled, the room looked more and more put together. Once they were all set and ready we had the girls just come in and look. As they walked in their faces lit with joy and excitement. They may not have been told directly, but every one of them knew that they would be sleeping in an actual bed and their own personal house. Simply knowing that they would be granted this gift was enough for me; there was no need for all the thank yous and hugs. As we obtain more and more supplies for the house has become nearer to completion. Yesterday was the frames and the mattresses, and today we put fitted sheets and the pillows on the beds. Taking a step back and seeing the color really lifted me because it went from the dull tin walls and wooden frame to the full beds with their flower sheets and decorative pillows. It was truly a sight to see.

                The relationship between Lavin and I has really exceeded my expectations. Especially the fact that we have only known each other for a week and a half and aren’t interacting 24/7. Every day when we are able to be together, we have an amazing time and can always figure out how to have fun. As we were running around and chasing each other, he stole my camera and put it into his pocket. When he gave it back there was a woven bracelet that wrote “I LOVE YOU”. I ran to give him a hug and said thank you maybe a thousand times. Just the fact that he decided to buy the bracelets for me in the first place was really touching in my eyes and I thought it was truly sweet.

With these kids, I am never seized to be amazed.

Emotional Break

                Any given moment I am with the kids I am purely filled with emotion. It doesn’t matter what I am doing or how I am feeling they can set the mood in a heartbeat. Today, Srey Noun was sitting over near her cubby and wasn’t smiling. As I walked over my heart just sank as I saw a tear fall from her face. There is nothing more heartbreaking than someone crying, but for someone who is always smiling and laughing and running around having good time, it was a miserable sight. The fact that we speak different languages, communication is extremely challenging; therefore I could not find out what was wrong and why she was crying. After a few minutes of sitting with her and trying to comfort her in English, which I’m sure she didn’t understand, she shed another tear. At that point I was holding myself back from bursting out into tears. I said “Srey Noun, no cry” and gestured crying on her face, “You cry, I cry” and then on mine. After I said that, she gradually cheered up and restrained from crying. If she had not, I might not have been able to hold back my tears any longer. In merely a few minutes, Srey Neat had the same sullen look on her face. I picked her up and put her in my arms and she started the same thing and shed a tear. At that point my emotion dam couldn’t hold any longer and I had to give her a hug to hide my tears. Not just their sadness had me crying, but the fact I didn’t know what was wrong or how to help. Just the look on their faces changed me from smiling to crying. They are able to switch my emotions in such a dramatic way; either from cheerful to sunk, or from feeling blue to feeling astounding, the mere sight of their face can do the trick. Today, we had a nice relaxing day and after lunch, our tiredness caught up to us and the majority of us laid on the stage for a nap. Heang and I finally decided to join everyone and laid down ourselves; I laid straight and he put his head on my stomach. As he got comfortable, he grabbed my hand in his and put his other hand on the other side of mine. The second he did, my whole body filled with love and joy. I could have laid there all day and all night if I could. Just being there and having him fall asleep and hold my hand had me smiling and thinking about how much I loved the kids and how it was going to kill me to have to leave them. Even then, his love could push away all the bad thoughts and we were able to simply enjoy each other’s company in that moment.

Its the Little Things

                Yesterday, I started off in the school and it is so much more amazing than you could ever imagine. Each group is a little different and has their own ways of surprising me; taking their English to a whole new level. Our first class had eight sentences that they would repeat after us continuously. Each time they said the same sentence, their pronunciation got better and better. At the end of that class, the teacher concluded with erasing a sentence each time they went through and the kids remembered every one. It wasn’t a lot, but it was one of those things that just put me in awe. The second group had another set of sentences but they were a little more challenging. Sentences like “I go to my friend’s house. I go on a skateboard” and the topic of going places and how to get there. Out of all the nine sentences, the kids in that class remembered everyone to the point of them reciting it when nothing was left on the board. After seeing that, I was completely shocked. It was something I probably couldn’t do and it really set the bar high. The last group had a story and weren’t as advanced with their English, but would persevere until they got the pronunciation correct. The way they just stuck with it had me thinking about digging a little deeper each time and continuing to the end.

                Every time we are at the orphanage, there is one or two little occurrences that just make my day. For example, yesterday, Niron and Lavine both had cuts that looked infected, so we took them over to aid them. As I was putting the peroxide on, both boys would fake scream and pretend like it hurt just to get a laugh. Even then, they would physically search for another cut or injury to clean and take care of. They showed how even though they were hurt and maybe in pain, they still made jokes about it and had a good time.

                Lavine and I are really connecting and having a great time together. It seems that every time I see him we laugh or joke around and it’s really entertaining. There is a small guava tree nearby, the kids will throw things up in it so little guavas will all and they can fight with them. Yesterday, Lavine kept hitting me and sneaking behind the corner, come back again and hitting me again. No matter what I’m doing, BAM, guava to the face. Srey Neat can do the same thing but with kisses. We’ll be just sitting there and she’ll turn my head and kiss me on the cheek. Now, she will kiss me and then raspberry my face , and I will do it in return. Just her laugh is the most precious thing and it tells me in my head that I’m going to be balling when I leave, but that laugh, it pushes that thought away and keeps me in the moment.

                As the girls’ house continues to grow and develop, I get more and more excited every time I see it. Today we added a door, and hopefully no one saw me, but I think I jumped a little and cheered to myself. It’s just so awesome to see this structure going up and knowing that we are building it, we are actually doing this. It’s a really amazing feeling and I hope it stays with me even as the house is complete.

Some of the Most Beautiful Things Are Hidden

                Monday, we woke up and Krissy came in with wide eyes an said, “Guys, I just found the biggest cockroach in our dresser,” then just walked out.  I thought it was the funniest, cutest thing ever and couldn’t help but laugh.

                When we arrived at the orphanage yesterday, we got straight to work and headed to the house for our manual work.  It was hot and sunny almost to the point of it being unbearable, but it didn’t matter.  None of the weather or the conditions were crossing my mind.  All I could think about was the finished product and what we were doing for the kids. We stripped the grass and dug the holes and poured the cement and there was that particular drive that kept pushing me forward knowing what the outcome would be. Thinking in my mind that the girls would have their own house to sleep in and not have to be all on that stage made me dig  little deeper or get one more bucket. Some say the journey is better than the outcome, but for this situation, it’s all of the above and everything in between.  

                The last few tuk tuk rides have been very scenic and interesting through my eyes. At one point, there was this truck full of men behind us and I smiled at them and they loved it. They would make faces at me and show me their muscles and I just laughed at them and they laughed at me and I thought it was really fun.  Being able to interact with strangers on the street and having a great experience stood out, because it’s not something that would happen very often on the streets of America.  There was also a boy on his bike while it was raining. He had taken the button down shirt off his back so he could put it on his head. It was one of those things that didn’t really make sense but it worked; he didn’t seem to be getting wet, and he was smiling the whole time.

                There is not one day at the orphanage that we do not have fun, learn something, or get something done. In the past few days, it has been all three. If we’re not out sweating and making house, we are in teaching kids colors and reading off sentences and if it’s not that we are playing games and having matches and smiling the whole time. The kids are just so full of love and humor and it could lighten anyone’s days. Yesterday, Niron, Katie, Lavine, and I were looking through books and saying “this you” ”this you” and Lavine pointed to a Barbie and said it was Katie. She responded then saying “Oh yes I’m pretty” which Lavine quickly said “No no.” All of us laughed and just kept doing the game because each and every one was funny. Lavine has amazing English and he and I have gotten close so we joke around and have fun. This morning I was gathering my belongings and grabbed my notebook, opened it, and it flipped to a random page somewhat in the mddle. On the top it said “I love you Gitte” but wasn’t very good hand writing, so then was a line and it again said “I love you Gitte from Lavine” in nearly perfect handwriting. It was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. I just read it, got all arm and fuzzy inside, and just smiled.

                Lastly, something I think about more and more each day is how much I respect and aspire to be Roat. He is honestly the sweetest and nicest human being there ever was. Even if he slips up on the slightest thing, “sorry, sorry” and he does everything he is asked with a smile on his face. Roat is the kind of person that is talented in so many ways, and can do so many things, and is amazing at every single one of them. He may not know it now, but he is and will forever be the one I look up to. He is my mentor.

"Chip Cniya Cnii Stsi" See You Tomorrow

It all started with goodbye.

We left our parents and headed for the long journey ahead. The first flight was nothing compared to the thirteen hour flight following. In the first few hours we were pumped and set on something to do, and then we hit the three hour mark and were completely done. It was either trying to fall asleep, figuring out what to do, talking about what to do, or literally sitting there daydreaming. As the flights were over and all the long travel was behind us, we came and met Lisa Marie and our van. I'm not going to lie, I was 99% sure that all of us and our bags were not going to fit in the small van. I was mistaken. The driver was truly a hero and fit all the suitcases in the back like a puzzle. We were all snug in the van and finally arrived at the Tatoo Guest House, unpacked, and could then breathe. We headed up the three flights of stairs with our 50 pound bags and got to our rooms. As we walked in, we were greeted with a pair of socks, some cold water, a heart with our name in Khmer, and a poster above our heads with a quote. My quote was, "I am fully aware of what Love is how it works, but that is our kind of Love. I want to learn the Love of the kids and the orphans who have not had Love, but are full of it. Love is something anyone can learn but I believe the kids in Cambodia will be the best teachers." They may have been my words, but they still struck me and I read it every night.

The first night of sleep was about three hours and an early rise. Then in the tuk tuk off to S21 prison. The tuk tuk ride is truly one of my favorite parts of the trip. It is bumpy, wobbly, loud, and I love it. One thing that I think about a lot and experience is the smells. Some are good and smell of food and others are revolting and may smell of trash and rotting things, and I still love them all. I don't know what it is about them but they continue to amaze me each ride.

Being at the prison was an amazing experience. Knowing all of what happened and the horrid events that happened is one thing but actually being there and seeing it all is another. All the pictures and the actual beds and bowls and things from the genocide were just amazing and struck me with terror. After touring and being immensely impacted on, we met Mr Chum Mey who went through it all and could still sit in front of the high school and smile. 

The killing fields was really impact full as well in that you knew what was done there and how it all went down. Although being there was really dampening and depressing, there was a sense of serenity and happiness. Even in its state, it was beautiful scenery and amazing greenery, but the best part was the hundreds of butterflies fluttering around as if it was a utopia. They really lighted the area and made it much easier to be here. 

Arriving at the orphanage for the first time was purely amazing. Even being just a turn away, the kids were jumping and smiling when got there and the rest of the time being. Immediately I had on child in my arms and two on each hands. We met everyone and just got to know each other in the beginning, which may not sound like much, but was a huge step. 

Yesterday morning all three of us woke up too early because we were freezing. We may have been comfortable in the cold awake, but it was too hard while asleep. As we arrived we were again greeted by the happy excited children. Before cleaning everything and everyone, we learned some hand games and other games. Just them teaching us was amazing to see the connection between the Khmer and English and us both understanding what to do. We were then assigned an area to clean and I got the bathroom. It was a wrong choice to say that I loved the smells when we were sharing because that smell was not pleasing, but it had to be done. We also had to delice the kids which was insane in it self. The majority of the girls had so many eggs and bugs that it took an hour or an hour and a half to comb them all out. I could not stand the thought of having all of that in my hair, and yet these kids deal with it everyday. After all the hard work was the play. Most of the boys played a one footed tag game that I watched and all I could do was laugh, and others were over making bracelets. Some of the American boys wanted to learn this box know type thing and so I taught them, and then some of the Cambodian boys wanted to as well and learned much easier than the others. Also, Roat made all the girls bracelets and I thought it was very cute. Some favorite parts were Srey Nuun and I playing a pattie cake type game and not being able to finish because we were laughing so hard, and Lavine and the boys making fun if me for my sneezes. At the end of the day we all said see you tomorrow and left in the tuk tuk. 

Today was very different in that we started our main manual labor which is a house for the girls to sleep in. Before then, we split up and I went to the slums to teach some kids english. We started with us reading and them repeating and then we found that they could read it themselves and it was just this firework within me that went out because we had figure out how smart they are. Doing the work and completely the job is a satisfying feeing because you know you are doing good and you know you are making a difference. When we got back, there was music blasting and a dance party going on. Some girls had their dances to songs and some boys had theirs. As I was trying to follow along and do their routine, all I could do was laugh at myself. The boys, Roat and Niron and one other would do this move and then the Michael Jackson move and I just giggled and laughed the whole time and then they laughed at me. There is truly no time at that orphanage where anyone is sad or feeling down. No matter the day or how many times we have played with the kids, each time is a new, fun, warming feeling. They always come up with a new game or something fun to do that we don't know and it is simply amazing. At the end of the day we pack our bags and say see you tomorrow and it is still a happy feeling because I know I will be able to see them tomorrow.